I would think that there are not too many crazy people who could tell you the exact instant when they started losing their minds. Here and now, I am writing this down to document that moment for myself.
About a month or two ago (I've been losing my concept of the passage of time also), as I lay in bed next to my sleeping wife, I found myself unable to sleep. As I lay there, I started to contemplate the size of our planet, and then the size of it compared to our solar system... so on, and so forth, while taking into consideration the time it takes for light to travel these immense distances, and how many lifetimes that would be for a typical human being to make these journeys. This then led me to think about the length of time humans have been around, and how much further we may end up going (if we can stop killing each and work together towards the long term survival as a race).
All of this then led me to start contemplating the galactic importance of my own existence, and the nature of life and death, and what the experience of death would actually be like, and what would/could happen "after".
For the first time in my life, I felt a wave of panic grip my mind, and wash over me. Personally I think all religions are just a way for mankind to attempt to cope with the concept of death. They wrap themselves in sugar coated stories of morality, and tell each other that it all means something in the end. This left me stuck between a proverbial "rock and a hard place".
Ever since that night, I have been having moments (more frequently as time goes by) where I flash back to that moment of frightened panic mixed with an incredibly strong curiosity about death, almost convinced that I'm about to die in some freak accident, or even an almost uncontrollable urge to end it myself, just so that the feeling of panic will subside. It all goes away within a couple of minutes or so, and I'm back to "normal" (whatever that means). Add to all of this, the strange mood swings, which up until recently haven't affected anyone but myself (partially due to my self-inflicted isolationism), and I've come to the realization that I am finally, and fully losing my mind.
I plan on sitting down with my wife this weekend and discussing all of this with her. It's not fair to her, or our kids, that they should have to suffer a madman. Also, I am afraid that I may end up hurting someone if they cross me at the wrong moment during one of my strange mood swings.
I have some experience with the weird cruelties that my mind can come up with when I snap. I can remember quite well the rage and emotions when I was around 17 and my parents had to have me institutionalized for a few months. I'm beginning to think that may be required again. At the very least, I need to set an appointment to see some type of therapist before I sink too far to come back, or I end up doing something I regret. I've always joked around about being crazy, but I don't think anyone has ever realized just how close those jokes were to being the truth.
