Insomniac

Lying awake again @ 5am. Wondering what the point of existence is. Wondering why I even care what the point is. Wondering what death really is.  Wondering what life really is. Wondering what I could have done differently, if I even would. Listening to the wind outside, the clock on the wall, the cars in the distance, the sounds of my own restless body shifting in the sheets. Mind racing over so many random unimportant and important things. I'm alone, but I'm alive. I am loved, but unsure if I am capable of love. I am free, but I am trapped. I don't want to live, but I'm too scared to die.

My Insanity

I would think that there are not too many crazy people who could tell you the exact instant when they started losing their minds.  Here and now, I am writing this down to document that moment for myself.

About a month or two ago (I've been losing my concept of the passage of time also), as I lay in bed next to my sleeping wife, I found myself unable to sleep. As I lay there, I started to contemplate the size of our planet, and then the size of it compared to our solar system... so on, and so forth, while taking into consideration the time it takes for light to travel these immense distances, and how many lifetimes that would be for a typical human being to make these journeys. This then led me to think about the length of time humans have been around, and how much further we may end up going (if we can stop killing each and work together towards the long term survival as a race).

All of this then led me to start contemplating the galactic importance of my own existence, and the nature of life and death, and what the experience of death would actually be like, and what would/could happen "after".

For the first time in my life, I felt a wave of panic grip my mind, and wash over me.  Personally I think all religions are just a way for mankind to attempt to cope with the concept of death. They wrap themselves in sugar coated stories of morality, and tell each other that it all means something in the end.  This left me stuck between a proverbial "rock and a hard place".

Ever since that night, I have been having moments (more frequently as time goes by) where I flash back to that moment of frightened panic mixed with an incredibly strong curiosity about death, almost convinced that I'm about to die in some freak accident, or even an almost uncontrollable urge to end it myself, just so that the feeling of panic will subside. It all goes away within a couple of minutes or so, and I'm back to "normal" (whatever that means). Add to all of this, the strange mood swings, which up until recently haven't affected anyone but myself (partially due to my self-inflicted isolationism), and I've come to the realization that I am finally, and fully losing my mind.

I plan on sitting down with my wife this weekend and discussing all of this with her. It's not fair to her, or our kids, that they should have to suffer a madman. Also, I am afraid that I may end up hurting someone if they cross me at the wrong moment during one of my strange mood swings.

I have some experience with the weird cruelties that my mind can come up with when I snap. I can remember quite well the rage and emotions when I was around 17 and my parents had to have me institutionalized for a few months. I'm beginning to think that may be required again. At the very least, I need to set an appointment to see some type of therapist before I sink too far to come back, or I end up doing something I regret. I've always joked around about being crazy, but I don't think anyone has ever realized just how close those jokes were to being the truth.

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I write of love and grandeur

& other things I'll never find

for only I know the monstrous thoughts

sometimes ROARING through my mind

many men & women, boys & girls shall

pass before my eyes

how do I know that they don't

cage their beast

they may let it roam

in pastures of blood & bone

while I prefer to keep mine

locked away feeding it from

time to time

a tear here, a blind outrage

at nothing there.

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I'm sitting here, wondering why

these tears are falling, as I cry

All alone, is how I feel

were you a dream, or are you real

you left me, I don't understand

being without you, drives me mad

when you said goodbye, I felt so alone

a part of me died, now I weep and moan.

untitled (back of a torn off piece of a Camel carton)

where's the love I was told I would find,
where's the new fruit of life
Dying on the vine,
what's the new game we're
going to play,
what'll we do from
day to day,
I'm sick of life in this
nowhere town,
I'm bored with everything
all I do is frown,
I feel as though I was destined
for greater things,
yet someone has gone & clipped my wings,
Kept me from what I was
meant to know, & now I just have no idea
what I should do.

Dee Dee

Although I've never met you

there's something stirring in me

that I thought would never

happen again.

But I guess I'll have to wait & see

if anything'll happen when we meet

If any true & dear feelings begin

the only thing I ask of you is

that you be honest with me about

how you feel about me

because, my dear "angel", you have

no clue what you have stumbled

upon, when you started talking

to me, cause there is so much

love in my heart that it's about

to explode. All I know is

that I've got a burning heart

& the only thing that'll cool it

is a warm embrace from someone

with love in their heart.

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Bleed your God, of all his power & glory

as I lead you through to my reality

Bring you down, off your pedestal

throw you down, till you appear minuscule.

While I ponder things, you have yet to experience.

I've been through pain you cannot

even begin to fathom, seen things

you can't imagine. Yet you look

at life as something to get through &

endure, yet I look at it as an experience

to be enlightening, & to purify the

soul.