untitled

I write of love and grandeur

& other things I'll never find

for only I know the monstrous thoughts

sometimes ROARING through my mind

many men & women, boys & girls shall

pass before my eyes

how do I know that they don't

cage their beast

they may let it roam

in pastures of blood & bone

while I prefer to keep mine

locked away feeding it from

time to time

a tear here, a blind outrage

at nothing there.

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I'm sitting here, wondering why

these tears are falling, as I cry

All alone, is how I feel

were you a dream, or are you real

you left me, I don't understand

being without you, drives me mad

when you said goodbye, I felt so alone

a part of me died, now I weep and moan.

untitled (back of a torn off piece of a Camel carton)

where's the love I was told I would find,
where's the new fruit of life
Dying on the vine,
what's the new game we're
going to play,
what'll we do from
day to day,
I'm sick of life in this
nowhere town,
I'm bored with everything
all I do is frown,
I feel as though I was destined
for greater things,
yet someone has gone & clipped my wings,
Kept me from what I was
meant to know, & now I just have no idea
what I should do.

Dee Dee

Although I've never met you

there's something stirring in me

that I thought would never

happen again.

But I guess I'll have to wait & see

if anything'll happen when we meet

If any true & dear feelings begin

the only thing I ask of you is

that you be honest with me about

how you feel about me

because, my dear "angel", you have

no clue what you have stumbled

upon, when you started talking

to me, cause there is so much

love in my heart that it's about

to explode. All I know is

that I've got a burning heart

& the only thing that'll cool it

is a warm embrace from someone

with love in their heart.

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Bleed your God, of all his power & glory

as I lead you through to my reality

Bring you down, off your pedestal

throw you down, till you appear minuscule.

While I ponder things, you have yet to experience.

I've been through pain you cannot

even begin to fathom, seen things

you can't imagine. Yet you look

at life as something to get through &

endure, yet I look at it as an experience

to be enlightening, & to purify the

soul.

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Brightly colored neon lights,

glowing luminously in city nights

from Maine to San Francisco

people are dying, people are crying,

souls are being taken, some are just mistaken

children in a field, softly speaking

while teenagers on acid, are just now peaking

what about you, what are you doing?

what have you done, & what are

you going to do? Do you even know

who you are?

If you can answer me these questions,

you are far greater than I.

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love is fire that burns you when

it's hot, and the ice that

freezes you when it's not

I been burnt & frozen too many

times for one man to withstand

they burnt me when I thought they

cared & I endured every demand

of those that didn't care at all

& finally I've been backed into

a wall. And now I'll strike back,

but not with my hands, but

with my own demands. Never

again will I be led like a dog on

its leash. But lead them like

the beast.

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as I stare at this blank page

I think of the fun or money that it

could bring me, I tear off a small

corner, & pop it in my mouth & I feel

the numbness spread, as time goes by

colors start to blur, yet I can see

so much more clearly. thoughts of love

& grandeur pass through my mind

as I leave the normal world behind

music flows, even though the radio is off.

I walk through the woods, trees become

taller, or am I just becoming smaller?

things are not as they seem, but I don't care,

I am here & yet everywhere, I see things

that others cannot, or do they just

ignore? Wandering around aimlessly with my

friends, hoping these times will never end.

but eventually they have to, as everything

good does. so in the meantime, we'll just sit here &

dose!

untitled

as the pain sets in, she

prays to an angel above

that the stories were not true

even though her mother & grandmother

were people that she never knew

did all she could to prevent her

pregnancy, but it was beyond her

control.

It happened in an alley late one

night, a strange man grabbed her.

She knew it was no use, but she still

put up a fight.

Foul male member of society,

wanting to make his mark, so he takes

and innocent looking girl.

9 months later the girl passes away,

the stories were true, the mother

dies as the child is born.

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there's a cold fire burning

somewhere tonight.

it doesn't bur on wood, paper, or

anything like that, but it sure

is burning bright.

it's color just isn't known

cause it's a world apart,

yet it burns right here in

my heart.

It's the flame of love that

burns brighter than any other

yet I don't know if all you want

is just another lover.

Cause I want more than that, I want

someone who'll hold me through the

night. Somebody who won't put up a

fight, when all I want is to hold them

close to my heart, so what I'm saying is that

I never, from your side, want to part.

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expressing my teenage

angst in such a heart-felt way,

but when confronted,

can't think of anything to say.

been in love, it ended in hate,

now for the day I die, I can no longer wait.

I've kept everything bottled up for

so very long.

everything I do, is labeled as wrong.

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alone once again, I feel lonely as

usual, don't know where you are, or

who you're with, or what you're doing

with him, I miss you, what would

you do if I were to show up at your

door tomorrow, with my heart in

my hand, offering it to you?

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My soul, only to you, I can bare.

I tried to call, but you weren't there.

I've been going insane, just have to tell you

how I really, feel about you.

Although you broke my heart,

& played with my mind,

no where else have I been able to find,

anyone I loved as much as you,

I'm just so confused, I don't know what to do.

You left me lying in the dirt, with a broken heart

to let you go was anything, but smart.

out bodies & minds fit together so perfectly

but my mind was clouded, I couldn't see,

now I want you back, but I don't know what to say,

so will you take me back, & hold me endlessly?

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sit alone with my disease, this

lonely man's virus, called unrequited love,

I loved you so much, but to you, it was

only a game, although I know this,

I still feel the same. You're the only

person I ever wanted, you hold everything

that I need, you're holding my heart, firmly

in your hand, just don't squeeze it too hard

it's already in so much pain, so many people,

living in the sun, it seems that I'm doomed,

to be forever in the rain...

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So many things to say, but I don't know how,

so I'll just say how I feel right here & now.

Since you left me there's been a hole in my heart.

Sweating every second, in pain, since we've been apart.

Thought I was over you, but I still cry from the pain.

Tried to love someone else, but only in vain.

I just wish, Sara, that we were not really through,

because now I know, that I'll never get over you!

Desert (a short story)

We journey to this farthest place,

the spot where our travel ends

come, join us on our quest.

quest for divine knowledge,

as foolish as it sounds, it is not

for the weak at heart, everything

you know, you must leave behind.

exit, exit, and know that you will

not be alone, for I shall be there

by your side, to guide you through

the roughest of times,

but travel, not to fast, for if

you do, you will leave me behind and

you'll stumble & fall without me to

guide you, for this is a road that has been

traversed many times before, and not

only in dreams. Off in the distance

lightning dashes from clouded & colorful

sky, downward, & dances lightly on the

desert ground, filling the air

with dust & rain, yet where we

stand the air is still hot & dry

under foot. Earth hard & cracked from

lack of rain. For years it seems

we stand alone, watching natures'

show, when I turn and see, I was

the only one watching the storm,

for you have gone, left me behind,

off on your own trail now, I watch

you go, I call out, but you seem not

to hear me, your jet black hair

flowing in the gentle breeze. But

I let you go, I do not attempt to

follow you. Instead, I turn away

not wanting to think that you're leaving

me alone, I go off in the other direction.

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so many sullen & dire faces in the city

all those lives gone to waste, what a pity,

people with moods, from rotten to shitty

with all the colorful ways to express themselves,

they still remain silent,

I guess it's better than violent.

hot & humid, or cold & bitter climate,

these people never change anything

but their clothes, personally I prefer

to change moods and attitudes, more

often than outer appearance, some live

the life of the snake, shedding skins

like I shed friends, I prefer a change

of surroundings to a change of

bindings, I stay free, while they stay

confined, to their lives, bodies & minds

I'll search for my soul, while smoking a

bowl. Escape? No! expansion of the mind?

YES!

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I see a beauty walking by,

watching her, but they never seem

to notice me. Why don't they

ever see, I don't think I'm that ugly,

but I know that I'm not a prize.

Why can't I find anyone who trusts

me, I could never lie to someone I

care about, much less someone I love.

Just give me a chance to prove myself

I won't let you down, I'll life you

higher than you've ever been before,

don't I deserve a little more, than

to be left alone throughout

eternity, so someone please, fall in

True Love with me.

Self

isolation, desecration, masturbation,

hole in my soul, death in my life,

insanity throughout humanity, man made pains

coursing through my veins, exposing

my soul to the world as a whole,

this heart, is falling apart. Can't stand much

more, with my mind, my conscience is at

war. Drawing near the bend, coming to the

end, time's almost out, end of the bout,

does no good to pout.

isolation, desecration, masturbation.

untitled

whenever the words run dry

inside my head, all I have to do

is think of life, & what it would be

like if I were dead, my mind may be

dark, my soul may be dry, but even I don't

want to die. So much pain, anger & confusion

in life, I've go no idea where I'll be in a year.

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when I think of you,

the tears well up,

as I wonder, will you ever care again

I hear a soft & gentle song,

& I remember that calm feeling I always got

when I gazed into your pale blue eyes

those sweet & tender spheres that exposed

your soul to me.

Remembering scenes from the past,

wondering why those times couldn't last.

Now you've had my child, a beautiful baby girl.

My dream (6-28-94)

the dream began with me waking up

to a colorful dawn. I looked for you,

but you had already gone, back to your own

kind, the night people. There was a

war between my people & yours that

had been going on for longer than

anyone knew. If anyone had caught us

they probably would have burned

us both at the steak. So we were

very careful not to get caught. Today is

the day of the race, of off-road vehicles,

between our kind and yours, the one day

of the year when the war stopped, &

we were determined to keep it

from continuing the next day.

So as the race was about to start

we were to announce our love,

since we were the only children of

the leaders of each side, our marriage

would bring the two sides together at last...

(continued, but remaining pages are missing)

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It's been so long since I've been

kissed, that I've forgotten what it's

like, that intimate touch of flesh,

I feel so alone, with no one by

my side, but I guess it's my fault,

can't get up the courage to ask you, what

I want to say, so I guess I'll just

trudge along, alone forever, with a gaping

hole in my heart, with no one to fill it,

stupidly thinking that some day I might

find somebody that actually cares, forever

the romantic, but no way to show it, since

no one's even willing to give me a chance,

so what will I do? I don't know!

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stuck in this world with no

life to speak of, why can't you

accept me for who I am and

not who I appear to be. It sets

my head on fire, the poison you

feed me, so why is my life filled

with so much pain & anger, can't

you just mellow down, & ask me just

once why I always frown, if I

let you, you would make me destroy

myself, but I will sink no further,

I'm already at rock bottom, I have

no fear, for there is nothing you can

do to ruin my life, cause it does not

exist. I'm already dead inside.

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so many things I've seen

in my life, none are stranger, or

more beautiful than you, you're so

much like me, but no one can see,

how much you truly mean to me

even though I barely know you,

please open up, I know that inside

that cocoon, you are a beautiful,

butterfly, waiting to spread your wings,

to begin your greatest flight, the flight

of a thousand nights, & a million miles,

so start with me & show me your

heart, not the face you put on for

all the others, break down that wall,

& open your heart, & that's only where

you should start.

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tracing my fingers round the

lines of your face, noticing how

beautiful you are in the moonlight,

I grab a can of what's been brewed,

don't be kind, or even rude, just

mellow-out & be in the mood,

lie down or get out of my way, I'm

in a hurry, you don't have to be

brave or strong, to right a wrong, so

don't you worry, I know how to

watch out for myself, I don't need anyone

to do it for me, just why can't you

see, I don't need you, but you seem to

need me, so leave me alone, to be myself

without you, but when I leave, what will you do?

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I've been hurt so many times

before, I don't want it to

happen again, I do love you,

& I'm scared, because it wouldn't

take much to ruin what heart I

have left, I've just built such a

wall that I can't believe you got

through so easily, I hide behind

my wall & throw stones to be left

alone but you found a foothold

in my wall & climbed over, now my

wall is crumbling, you're pulling it

down, brick by brick, it may take a

while, but you'll have it down, & I

wish you luck, I love you too much

now to let you go, but I'm so used to

throwing stones that I hit you with

a few, but I hope & pray that you don't

give up, I don't mean to hurt you, I

just can't help defending my wall,

but I want you to know that I love

you & need you near, so if I haven't

hurt you too much already, please

forgive me, for I know not what I do,

the only thing I know for sure is

that I LOVE YOU!

Religion

as I approach the altar,

fear mounts, I see the crucified

one before me, he beckons & calls,

yet he offers me empty promises,

nothing to back them up, no proof

is offered just asking for blind

following, & that is something I could

never do, I could never do what someone

asks if they don't show me a sign

that what they speak of is the

truth, so many promises, so little

proof, how can I live up to what

you ask, it goes against everything

that I believe, if you showed me

heaven or hell, I would change my

ways, what you say is proof, is just

ancient words printed on newer paper.

I see no reason to follow, so I'll just

continue with the path I tread, with no

fear of what'll happen when I'm dead.

Jim

The Lizard King, Mr. Mojo Risin,

or just plain Jim

When I hear the word "God",

I think of him

He lived his life fast, to experience

the most

I've heard people compare themselves

to Jim as a way to boast

I compare myself to him to see

my own faults

I know I'll never become the man

that he was.

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drinkin in my room, brings back

old memories, catchin a buzz

by myself, when I've got no one

else, all alone in this world

full of pain, others would use

a gun or a knife to their vein,

I'll just live life fast, like

a mono-rail on an unfinished track,

moving so fast, there's no going

back, hurling my way towards

the end, where will I go out,

just around the bend? or are there

many miles to go, the answer to

this, not even I know!

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you get me higher

than any drug ever could

& please believe me

if you only could

look into my heart

& you'll see that you're all that's there

nothing in this world means as much as you do

so my Dani-girl please come near

only time will tell if our love

is going to have what it takes to survive

'cause I'll treat you better than anyone

ever will, I'll give you everything I've got

& if you can take it, you'll get a surprise

my heart is a cherry centered stone,

if you can break past to the core

you'll see there's so much more

you call me a "man of golden words", & your

"angel". what you've seen are just cracks

in the stone, but if you give up now

those cracks will heal, stronger than

ever before.

Rock Stars

Jimmy, Kurt, Andrew & Jim

no one person's influenced me as much as them

in death, as in life, they are greater than I

Purple Haze, Polly, Half-ass Monkey Boy, The End

these songs mean more than any "best friend".

Radio One, Bleach, Shine, or The Best of The Doors

they all have tunes no one ignores

Jimmy Hendrix, Nirvana, Mother Love Bone, & The Doors

these are bands that can never be surpassed by mine nor yours

they've all passed away. Yes, they're all dead

but they'll always be alive inside of my head.

Summer School

Here I sit in summer school

bored off of my ass

I'd much rather be

smoking some grass

hitting some acid

or popping a pill

because when it comes to school

I've really had my fill

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So many feelings

Never been explained

Don't know if this is

the reason for all of my pain

I'm so lonely

Don't know why

Sometimes I wonder when

I'll be allowed to die

Threat

Listening to your shit

drives me insane.

Get in my face &

I'll cut a few veins.

Journal #4

If you but knew

How all my days seemed filled with dreams of you,

How sometimes in the silent night

Your eyes thrill through me with their tender light,

How often I hear your voice when others speak,

How yours amid other forms I seek.

Oh, love more real than though such dreams were true,

If you but knew.

Journal #3

If you're ever going to love me,

love me now, while I can know,

all the sweet and tender feelings

from which real affection flow.

Love me now, while I am living,

do not wait till I am gone

and then chisel it in marble -

warm love words on ice-cold stone.

If you've dear, sweet thoughts of me,

why not whisper them to me?

Journal #2

You are the only one I love.

Your eyes sparkle like the stars above.

I carry a picture of you in my heart,

as long as we live we'll never be apart.

You're the most important person in my life.

But if I can't handle a girlfriend,

how am I going to handle a wife.

I could promise all my love to you,

but that would only take a second or two.

And if you're waiting to be my one and only,

you're going to find out what it's like to be awfully lonely.

Journal #1

Lying here in a strange bed;

thoughts of you running through my head.

Wishing you were right here,

so I could hold you near.

Listening to songs, they remind me of you.

Now we are no longer one, but two.

But at least now I know that you still care.

I've tried to call, but you weren't there.

Now I'm waiting impatiently,

'till I can hear you sweet voice of thee.

The end of my poem, this is here,

I'll count the days until you're near.

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Sorrow, detergent, gift, renew,

Arlington, Keyboard, chocolate,

cigar, wealth, mortar, business,

passport, shadows, laughter, decking

unit, locomotive, freeway, embezzlement,

whiskey, despondency, clash, soap,

bodies, brick, Los Angeles, crying,

heaven, twist, heater, dizzy, scar,

altar, traveler, overweight, market

Jenny

All of my heart for you

everything that I do

more beautiful than the sun

you are my true & only one

everything I do

everything's for you

bright green eyes, dark brown hair

I see your face everywhere

now you're my wife

for the rest of my life

that ring on your finger says it all

you've got me up against the wall

with the love in your eyes

I'll now be happy until I die.

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Come one, Come all, see the

writing on the wall. Led in by the beauty

of the words, repulsed by the

brutality of what they say

come one, come all, see the writing

on the wall. Should've been so

clear, hidden by a pretty face

something so ugly, as a soul.

come one, come all, see the

writing on the wall.

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Words on paper as easily destroyed as created

what was held so close as easily cast asunder

no more feelings of kindness, the only drag you

under. What was once loved so dearly, has now

become the object of hatred. I know you

better than anyone, I know you better than I

know myself. Female cassinova, draw them

close, throw them away. I know you

better than one might think, I know your

kind, sweet scents, sweet looks, bitter cold

inside. There are no words for the depths to

which you'll sink. Words on paper as easily

created as destroyed. What was held so close, as

easily cast asunder. No more feelings of kindness

they only drag you under, what was once loved so

dearly, has now become the object of hatred.

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smoke from the fire

rising into the night

living in the darkness

hiding from the light

taking the souls of many

for my eternal life

how will it end

with a gun or a knife?

No, the only one who

can end the pain is me.

walking into the sun

that for centuries I have not seen.

Shadow

no sex in violence,

nothing violent in sex

this is the way things

are supposed to be

if I could have it all

a million miles away

I would leave it there

and keep you anyway

because you mean more to me

than anything else, at all

I deny religion, hate, & fear

& ignore all that you can hear

I am all your dreams come true

whatever you want, I shall do

Look round the corner, I'll be there

I can find you anywhere

& if there is a hell

I'll see you there!

Poetry

The following posts are some of the poetry that I wrote when I was a teenager... Yes, some of it is going to be sappy BS, but I wanted a place to save it "on the cloud", as opposed to the old plastic bag full of random scraps of paper that it is currently in.